Boxes of Anxiety

Anxiety manifests in many ways

Disclaimer: This entry is a reflection of my personal experiences. It is a lens on one viewpoint, my viewpoint, and what I’ve come to learn specific to me. I am not a mental healthcare professional. If you are seeking help, please consult with your healthcare provider or other mental healthcare professional for specific advice geared towards you.

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I’m not crazy, but if I told you I suffered from anxiety or some other ailment, you might think it (although you might never say it out loud). And that’s the stigma with mental health issues. The reality is, we are all facing our own challenges, struggles and crises everyday. Just because someone doesn’t physically embody some preconceived notion of what someone should look or act like when struggling with mental health, doesn’t mean she/he isn’t suffering.

Mental health is your state of being. Whether it’s in a positive state, a teeter-tottering state, or a not-so-good state.

About three years ago, I had my first experience with anxiety, or at least the first time that it began to manifest physically in my body to the point where I had to take notice. At the time, I couldn’t tell you why it suddenly came on. It just did. In the middle of a meeting, I was cold, could feel my heart racing and felt like I had a brick in my chest.

A few medical tests later, a couple of conversations with a mental health professional, and some focused breathing and mindfulness exercises, I had anxiety. It happened out of the blue (so it seemed), and I didn’t know why. It took a long time to stop analyzing the moment it happened trying to figure out why, and instead, embrace the anxiety. I’m not saying I welcome anxiety with open arms telling it to come here because it’s so much fun; rather, when it happens, I acknowledge it. I tell myself it’s okay and listen to my body in a much different way than I previously did. Because usually, it (my body, the anxiety) is trying to tell me something...for example: “s-l-o-w-t-h-e-f-d-o-w-n, I’m not a machine over here! Are you listening?!”

Today, my anxiety is better, but it comes and goes. I’m more attuned to it, but I’m not invincible. I am able to manage it with better self care, yoga, mindfulness (breathing and meditation) and being open with friends and family. Sharing has been therapeutic, possibly just as much as the breathing exercises because it’s nice to know I’m not the only one who has felt this way.

So why did it happen and still happens? Well, I may never know the exact reason, but it’s probably a combination of things. What I do know and realize now after reflection (they say hindsight is 20/20, and they aren’t kidding) is that I experienced an extended and heightened state of stress a few years back. You combine that with life, the whole lot of it, from societal expectations, loss, unexpected turns along the way and so forth, and all the sudden, my coping mechanisms didn’t work any more. There was simply no more room to tuck away any boxes of emotions, stress, etc. And so here I am.

What’s important in the grand scheme? To recognize it’s okay to ask for and seek help. To slow down. To talk to and with others. To be kind and compassionate towards ourselves and those around us. Each day, we pull-up our guards and go out into the world with this brave face on, but we are all human. And sometimes, maybe a lot of the time, dealing with something that we are afraid to share. But if we allow ourselves to be vulnerable in the safety of whatever that might be for you, whether it be with a professional, a partner, a friend, or even yourself, you might begin to realize you’re not alone, and that there are a variety of tools and treatments to support you.

M.V.